Driven

[Note: Okay..so I have been trying to write a whole new introduction to this new chapter of my blog life, right? But sometimes, if it ain't broke, why fix it? This is one of the few posts from the old blog that still stands true in my life. I promise, new stuff is coming. Until then...reminisce....]

Today's Michael Baisden Show is all about people who are following their passions at the expense of personal and intimate relationships in their lives. He is speaking so loudly to me right now, I might need some ear plugs!

My first experience with the choice of goals vs. "relationship" was the summer before my senior year of high school. I had applied to be a summer camp counselor for what was the second or third year in a row. Being a summer counselor had its rewards: plenty of time in the sunshine, 8 weeks of being with my fellow counselors who were all formerly part of my camp crew, an excuse to actually get some exercise (running around after 5 and 6 year olds is exhausting and was my precursor to my decision to put children on hold), and, mostly importantly to me:Steven*. For two summer straight, Steven and I had involved our selves in a summer romance. We never really spoke during the school year, but it was always love at that first counselor orientation pre-summer.

When I first sent in the application for the Summer Journalism internship, I honestly didn't think I would get it. There are hundreds of high schools-both public and private--in NYC. That I would be one of ten students chosen to take part in the month long workshop was something I just didn't think would happen. But it did. And the first person (after family and my best friend at the time) I ran to tell was Steven. He knew I wanted to be a writer. He had read my poems and had proven that he saved every article I wrote and had mailed him throughout the school year. I knew he would be happy for this opportunity that had come my way.

"You're not gonna do it, are you?" was his response. Huh? I had though to myself.

"What do you mean I'm not gonna do it?" I asked stunned,"Of course I'm gonna do it."

"What about us this summer?"he has asked me."You're supposed to be here at the camp with me. This is our time, boo."

After an hour of arguing the way teenagers do, he said to me simply,"If you are gonna put that in front of you and me, fine. Don't call me no more." And he hung up.

Of course, being a teenager I was hurt. I was even more hurt when I found out that he was going out with another big girl by the end of that week. Since then, I've always had guys that will try to talk to me, bigging me up for my ambition and drive until they realize that my ambition and drive cuts into the time when I am supposed to be chasing after them, leaving cell phone messages and numerous pages on beepers like women with nothing better to do than to chase after some man. One of my deepest loves used to use my going to college and trying to start my own company as a tool to get booty and a guilt trip--sometimes within the course of the same phone conversation:

Chops:"So can I see you? You know I love to sit and watch you work. You are so much like a mentor, with yo' sexy ass. youknowwhatImsaying?"

Pearlie:"I can't today sweetie. I have a term paper I need to finish a rough draft on plus two articles for the school paper to finish up and I'm working on a website for my graphics design class."

Chops:*sucking teeth*"I swear yo--you never have time for me. You can run around and do a million things for everyone else or for what is important to you, but can't spend one hour with me. I guess I'm not important to you."

Pearlie:"Of course you are important to me. But I have to get this done. You do what you want to do when you want to, why can't I do my SCHOOL work?"

Chops:"I'msayingtho'--every time I get to see you, it's on YOUR schedule. What about when *I* want to see you, Pearlie? When am I gonna come first?"

The answer to that was never, and will continue to be so until I get this career of mine where I need it to be. At least until that Mr. Right comes along, but I think that is another blog all it's own. LOL!

Those experiences, as well as others, did teach me somthing important: there will always be those who think that they should come before any dream, goal or aspiration you have. As I have grown, and have travelled through college and now this weird mid/late twenty world that I am in, I realize that there are times when I do have to take that T.O. and give that quality time to those in my life who are important. But those people who get the special time are those that understand my drive and passion. And be it an hour phone call or an afternoon out, they are happy with that time.

Mike, I don't know if you will ever have reason to happen across my blog, but thank you for today's Love Lust & Lies show. Although you were preaching to the choir with this listener, you did exactly what a good pastor does with his congregation: invoked inspiration to find a new way to achieve that ultimate goal.

Original Post date 8/4/04 on Bronxpearl v1.0